The quest for living at peace with oneself and with others is quite tedious and often leads to dead ends. Therefore some of these questions never get answered and haunt you all your life:
- What
did I do that I have to go through this hell?
- Why
did I get stuck in this shitty job?
- Why
doesn’t he understand what I want?
- Everyone
is happy; Am I the only unlucky one?
- Why
do the bad enjoy while only the good suffer?
Well, in most times the problem is not that you
are not getting answers from elsewhere. The problem is you are unable to
convince your mind to accept that you are in this situation.
The quest led me to various sources – A
“Curriculum for living” course by Landmark worldwide, Isha foundation, “Power
of your subconscious mind” by Dr.Joseph Murphy, various works of Robin Sharma,
Deepak Chopra, Dr.Wayne Dyer, Sandeep Maheshwari, Brahmakumaris, “The Chimp
Paradox” by Dr.Steve Peters among others.
It is a no-brainer that to live at peace with
everything that is happening around you, you need to accept it whole-heartedly.
Easier said than done – acceptance does not come easy: you have a beautiful
logic on why you cannot accept what has happened.
So I put forth 3 concepts that will open up our
horizons. All three are interlinked and may feel like repetitions:
2) The Karmic account
3) Take responsibility
1)
The brain and battle within
Let’s have a quick understanding of the
physiology of brain: For easy understanding, we divide the brain’s functioning
into 3 parts”
-
The
Frontal or Logical or Thinking brain: Which pauses, thinks of the consequences
& then takes decisions.
-
The
Parietal brain or the memory bank: Which refers to past memory and gives a
suggestion that this is the best response based on past experience.
-
Limbic
system or the Emotional brain (or Chimp in the language of Dr. Steve Peters):
Is the Fight, Flight or Freeze brain or it works without thinking. Completely
based on emotions.
All 3 are required to face the various
situations in life. Let’s take a typical example of you meeting your
ex-girlfriend. The Chimp is the fastest to react: It says it’s a girl – go for
her! Or it’s a girl. Danger. Stay away! The Parietal brain brings forth all the
past memories you had with her and that gives you a sudden rush. Finally the
Frontal brain jumps up and starts thinking: Yes, she is a girl. Yes, I had good
times with her in the past. But is it right to give in to those memories now?
What can be the consequences? How would she feel? Will I regret later?
What follows is a nasty fight between the
three. And depending on how you have tuned your brain, or how aware are you
about what is happening inside you, you will choose a response. Generally, the
person where the Frontal brain dominates is calmer, sorted, acts responsibly
and doesn’t get into trouble. It works with conscience. Unlike the other two
which work on impulses.
This is why wise men preach “Think before you
think”, “Respond, don’t react” etc… Physiologically it means, think with your
frontal brain.
Understanding this concept gives you the power
to act responsibly in life. It also makes you wise enough to understand the
behavior of others. So the next time you see your boss acting nasty, or your
spouse shouting at you, pause. Smile within. And console yourself “His / her
Chimp is unleashed”. You can’t console the other in that instant. Their Chimp
will get angrier.
2)
The Karmic account
This is a bit spiritual – highly scientific
brains may not accept this theory. But science by itself is not always capable
of giving respite to your feelings.
We have heard various mythological concepts
like Chitragupt keeping track of your deeds, Judgment day, Afterlife,
reincarnation etc... And you have always wondered if it is really true,
especially when taking decisions based on integrity. Cos external influence
always says somebody got away with murder, and I am held responsible for
swatting a fly. There are high chances that you will give in and justify your
action, “Nobody will come to know”, “I want my share of pleasure”, “Oh, he did
this to me, it’s logical I do that”…
In short the Karmic account theory says that originally a soul is pure.
Throughout its journey in one body, it gathers assets & liabilities (based
on the good and bad deeds done). Finally the soul leaves the body and enters
another new body, but with the same old book of accounts. Now this soul may
encounter another soul from earlier life and give back what was gathered in the
past.
While this theory may be difficult to accept
for the present generation, belief in it answers lot of questions:
- Why
is somebody behaving badly with you, while you have always been good to him /
her?
- Why
should I care what he / she feels? I only got one life to live…
- How
does a child get a sanskar (characteristic) unseen in the parents, while he/she is
not yet exposed to the outside world?
- Why
am I being put to test, although I have always lived by principles of virtue?
So the next time you meet someone who has the sanskar of not trusting, or always
blaming others, or always critical, or betrayal… blame it on their book of
accounts. Until it is squared off they will remain that way. And it is possible
to square off – by doing things which balances the ones in the karma. But they need to be aware of what
is at play. So do you, so as to accept that this person has had a past which
has made him / her the way they are today. And that you need to send pure
vibrations in order to help the other change their ways. And sending pure vibrations
is easy if you have the right intention. Your thoughts reach them faster than
your words. If your words say “You are such a nice person,” and your thoughts
say “I need to keep him in good books, so that he doesn’t get angry”, it is the
thought that gets registered, not the words.
This should keep you away from fake promises.
The key is to keep your intentions pure – doesn’t matter if the words hurt.
3)
You are the creator of your life
Armed with the awareness of why the other
person behaves in a certain way, it is now time to understand your circle of
influence. You cannot really change another person. Giving advices, teaching,
shouting etc… are all fine. But it is how the other person perceives your action,
which influences how he / she will change. Perception is a very tricky thing.
You hear something which may have certain meaning. However maybe because of
your sanskar or the way your Chimp
has processed the information, you would perceive it in a completely different
meaning. And what gets perceived is what gets recorded in the parietal brain. With
this recording, over a period of time, what you have perceived gets accepted by
the logical brain too. In short it becomes your truth. And your response to any
situation related to this person or statement will be influenced by the story
that you created based on your perception in the past. You cannot imagine how
this simple concept can change your life. It kind of gives you a logic, a mad
conviction to justify your thoughts or deeds – good or bad.
Man is just a meaning making machine. How you
understand and record what has happened in your life defines how you behave in
the future. There is no point developing a victim mentality “…because of him or
her I’m in this situation”. That just makes you even more powerless and drain
whatever strength you have to face the situation. So understand your
limitations on what you can or cannot influence. Be careful how you interpret
what is happening and how you are recording it in your brain. After this, there
is no looking back - hold yourself responsible for all that happens to you.
Now, if you find a person justifying, say,
infidelity, understand that it is a combination of the past sanskar, how he / she has recorded this
act in her brain (revenge / pleasure / his or her right / venting mechanism) and
finally how the Chimp is constantly fighting to put up a brave face, in an
attempt to avoid getting branded as a convict.
These three concepts in one form or the other
should be the guiding light for you to lead your life. It all boils down to
giving a pause:
- Am
I reacting? Are my intentions pure?
- What
are the consequences of my action?
- Am
I doing the right thing? Can I stand in front of a crowd and justify my action?
While it looks simple, it doesn’t come easy.
Don’t underestimate the power of you Chimp. You need to practice hard. But the
guaranteed results are
- You
are never caught in an awkward situation – can always hold your head high.
- You
will never have the victim mentality. Never blaming others for your status -
always in charge of your life.
- You
will never be haunted by guilt. Lying on your death-bed and feeling remorse
would be the feeling.
- There
will be a natural vibe of happiness and confidence around you.
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