The scheme of things

The quest for living at peace with oneself and with others is quite tedious and often leads to dead ends. Therefore some of these questions never get answered and haunt you all your life:

• What did I do that I have to go through this hell?
• Why did I get stuck in this shitty job?
• Why doesn’t he understand what I want?
• Everyone is happy; Am I the only unlucky one?
• Why do the bad enjoy while only the good suffer?

Well, in most times the problem is not that you are not getting answers from elsewhere. The problem is you are unable to convince your mind to accept that you are in this situation.

The quest led me to various sources – A “Curriculum for living” course by Landmark worldwide, Isha foundation, “Power of your subconscious mind” by Dr.Joseph Murphy, various works of Robin Sharma, Deepak Chopra, Dr.Wayne Dyer, Sandeep Maheshwari, Brahmakumaris, “The Chimp Paradox” by Dr.Steve Peters among others.

It is a no-brainer that to live at peace with everything that is happening around you, you need to accept it whole-heartedly. Easier said than done – acceptance does not come easy: you have a beautiful logic on why you cannot accept what has happened.

So I put forth 3 concepts that will open up our horizons. All three are interlinked and may feel like repetitions:

1)  Understand how your brain works
2)      The Karmic account
3)      Take responsibility

1)      The brain and battle within

Let’s have a quick understanding of the physiology of brain: For easy understanding, we divide the brain’s functioning into 3 parts”

-          The Frontal or Logical or Thinking brain: Which pauses, thinks of the consequences & then takes decisions.

-          The Parietal brain or the memory bank: Which refers to past memory and gives a suggestion that this is the best response based on past experience.

-          Limbic system or the Emotional brain (or Chimp in the language of Dr. Steve Peters): Is the Fight, Flight or Freeze brain or it works without thinking. Completely based on emotions.

All 3 are required to face the various situations in life. Let’s take a typical example of you meeting your ex-girlfriend. The Chimp is the fastest to react: It says it’s a girl – go for her! Or it’s a girl. Danger. Stay away! The Parietal brain brings forth all the past memories you had with her and that gives you a sudden rush. Finally the Frontal brain jumps up and starts thinking: Yes, she is a girl. Yes, I had good times with her in the past. But is it right to give in to those memories now? What can be the consequences? How would she feel? Will I regret later?

What follows is a nasty fight between the three. And depending on how you have tuned your brain, or how aware are you about what is happening inside you, you will choose a response. Generally, the person where the Frontal brain dominates is calmer, sorted, acts responsibly and doesn’t get into trouble. It works with conscience. Unlike the other two which work on impulses.

This is why wise men preach “Think before you think”, “Respond, don’t react” etc… Physiologically it means, think with your frontal brain.

Understanding this concept gives you the power to act responsibly in life. It also makes you wise enough to understand the behavior of others. So the next time you see your boss acting nasty, or your spouse shouting at you, pause. Smile within. And console yourself “His / her Chimp is unleashed”. You can’t console the other in that instant. Their Chimp will get angrier.

2)      The Karmic account

This is a bit spiritual – highly scientific brains may not accept this theory. But science by itself is not always capable of giving respite to your feelings.

We have heard various mythological concepts like Chitragupt keeping track of your deeds, Judgment day, Afterlife, reincarnation etc... And you have always wondered if it is really true, especially when taking decisions based on integrity. Cos external influence always says somebody got away with murder, and I am held responsible for swatting a fly. There are high chances that you will give in and justify your action, “Nobody will come to know”, “I want my share of pleasure”, “Oh, he did this to me, it’s logical I do that”…

In short the Karmic account theory says that originally a soul is pure. Throughout its journey in one body, it gathers assets & liabilities (based on the good and bad deeds done). Finally the soul leaves the body and enters another new body, but with the same old book of accounts. Now this soul may encounter another soul from earlier life and give back what was gathered in the past.

While this theory may be difficult to accept for the present generation, belief in it answers lot of questions:

•           Why is somebody behaving badly with you, while you have always been good to him / her?
•           Why should I care what he / she feels? I only got one life to live…
•      How does a child get a sanskar (characteristic) unseen in the parents, while he/she is not yet exposed to the outside world?
•          Why am I being put to test, although I have always lived by principles of virtue?

So the next time you meet someone who has the sanskar of not trusting, or always blaming others, or always critical, or betrayal… blame it on their book of accounts. Until it is squared off they will remain that way. And it is possible to square off – by doing things which balances the ones in the karma. But they need to be aware of what is at play. So do you, so as to accept that this person has had a past which has made him / her the way they are today. And that you need to send pure vibrations in order to help the other change their ways. And sending pure vibrations is easy if you have the right intention. Your thoughts reach them faster than your words. If your words say “You are such a nice person,” and your thoughts say “I need to keep him in good books, so that he doesn’t get angry”, it is the thought that gets registered, not the words.

This should keep you away from fake promises. The key is to keep your intentions pure – doesn’t matter if the words hurt.

3)      You are the creator of your life

Armed with the awareness of why the other person behaves in a certain way, it is now time to understand your circle of influence. You cannot really change another person. Giving advices, teaching, shouting etc… are all fine. But it is how the other person perceives your action, which influences how he / she will change. Perception is a very tricky thing. You hear something which may have certain meaning. However maybe because of your sanskar or the way your Chimp has processed the information, you would perceive it in a completely different meaning. And what gets perceived is what gets recorded in the parietal brain. With this recording, over a period of time, what you have perceived gets accepted by the logical brain too. In short it becomes your truth. And your response to any situation related to this person or statement will be influenced by the story that you created based on your perception in the past. You cannot imagine how this simple concept can change your life. It kind of gives you a logic, a mad conviction to justify your thoughts or deeds – good or bad.

Man is just a meaning making machine. How you understand and record what has happened in your life defines how you behave in the future. There is no point developing a victim mentality “…because of him or her I’m in this situation”. That just makes you even more powerless and drain whatever strength you have to face the situation. So understand your limitations on what you can or cannot influence. Be careful how you interpret what is happening and how you are recording it in your brain. After this, there is no looking back - hold yourself responsible for all that happens to you.

Now, if you find a person justifying, say, infidelity, understand that it is a combination of the past sanskar, how he / she has recorded this act in her brain (revenge / pleasure / his or her right / venting mechanism) and finally how the Chimp is constantly fighting to put up a brave face, in an attempt to avoid getting branded as a convict.

These three concepts in one form or the other should be the guiding light for you to lead your life. It all boils down to giving a pause:

•          Am I reacting? Are my intentions pure?
•          What are the consequences of my action?
•          Am I doing the right thing? Can I stand in front of a crowd and justify my action?

While it looks simple, it doesn’t come easy. Don’t underestimate the power of you Chimp. You need to practice hard. But the guaranteed results are

•          You are never caught in an awkward situation – can always hold your head high.
•          You will never have the victim mentality. Never blaming others for your status - always in charge of your life.
•       You will never be haunted by guilt. Lying on your death-bed and feeling remorse would be the  feeling.
•           There will be a natural vibe of happiness and confidence around you.

 

Covid conversations

I don’t believe in luck. But I certainly was pushing my luck too far when I was travelling frequently when Covid was so rampant. I did not have a choice: My wife and kids had decided to shift to Pune and I had to make at least one trip there every month. My office gave the option of working from home, but did not offer the liberty of working from any home – I had to remain in Bangalore.

Upon that four of my cousins decided to get married in successive months. I could not miss the marriages, so several visits to Mangalore became necessary. And I always chose public transport, barring the one time I rode to Mangalore on my bike and the other time when I rode overnight to Pune.

I had my own crude way of monitoring my health: I used to jog 3-4 kms in the morning. If I was not going out of breath, I had certainly not caught the infection. Yet I thought it makes sense to get myself vaccinated, when I was travelling so much. I was also a regular in office as I could never bear to sit at home all day – without much sunlight and air.

The offer to get vaccinated came from a friend of Mr.Poonawala. It was all set – I was to go to Pune one weekend and I could get my whole family vaccinated. Morally not right to jump the queue when the whole country was struggling for jabs. But sometimes you become selfish – comfort wins over morality.

But my family advised against taking the vaccine due to the rumors they had heard. Atleast they did not want to me get vaccinated when I was with them in Pune, lest I catch fever and in turn put the kids in danger.

So when I actually fell ill 2 weeks after that Pune trip, I was silently cursing my wife for denying me a shot. I spent most part of that weekend in bed – I was too tired and had no motivation to get out of bed even to cook. By evening I went out to purchase a thermometer and checked the temperature. 102.6.

Now I have to state my belief system. I have been raised by heavy dosages of books and concepts like Quantum healing by Deepak Chopra, Power of your sub-conscious mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy and of late sermons by Sister Shivani of Brahmakumaris. All these had influenced me into creating my belief system: If you think you are feeling unwell, slowly your mind will believe it and make you unwell. As a corollary, if you believe that you are in the pink of your health, the mind works to achieve that status, even if you are ill physically. This belief system had refrained me from taking any kind of medicines for any kind of illness – and I hardly contacted anything serious in a long time. The last time I was hospitalized was when I had a tryst with typhoid soon after my break-up. I had reasons to believe that the break-up had a strong say in destroying my immunity leading to me letting the bacteria to conquer my body.

But when I saw 102.6 on the thermometer, I decided to pop a Paracetemol. I had to attend a product strategy meeting with the Sweden team the next day and I did not want to miss it due to illness.

I was advised by my in-laws to get a RTPCR done to be on the safe side. Next morning I was up and was feeling so fine that I cycled to the hospital to get the RTPCR done. I gave my samples, returned home and was into the meetings. I ended up attending day long meetings, the side-effects of work from home, on the next day too.

So I was really shocked when I received my test report from the lab – I was Covid positive! Suddenly I had become an untouchable! Suddenly I was to be contained within the four walls of the house! I waited till midnight to share the report with my office and family – else I would start getting calls and advices all night. I slept with the heavy heart that I would not be encountering humanity, sun light and wind for the next 2 weeks. That was even terrible than Covid.

The calls started in the morning: My parents wanted me to come over to Mangalore immediately, having seen the condition of Bangalore on the local news channels – public running away from the city, patients waiting for beds outside hospitals, sky-rocketing statistics… My in-laws wanted me to immediately get a CT scan done and start on a course of Azithromycin, Tamiflu and Vitamin C, D & Zinc supplements. Regular Oximeter reading was mandatory.

I was fearing that everyone would push me out of my belief system and turn my body into a chemical dustbin.

So I contacted my doctor friend in London. She was tested positive couple of months ago and had recovered. That gave the much needed relief: She started with a nice “Welcome to the league!” and went on to advice to remain hydrated and take medicine only if fever prevails. Just go on with your routine work. Only if you feel too tired and breathless in doing the regular work, oximeter is to be used.

Well, the patient wanted to hear just this thing from the doctor. I was suddenly full of life – placebo effect. I decided to take the bike to Mangalore – that was also the legal thing to do, as hiring a cab might put the driver at risk.

However the family was dead against my brilliant idea. I booked an Uber outstation and reached my parents, I kept the windows down and always had the mask on so as to minimize risk of any kind of spreading to the driver. I locked myself into a room. Food, hot water for gargling and tulsi water for steaming was delivered at the door.

While I was feeling physically fit, mental peace had been disturbed. There was so much news on social media and several whatsapp groups. I did not know what to attribute my better health to – either I had caught a not-so-wild virus or the time I had dedicated to keep myself fit had yielded results by suppressing the virus within me. Many of my colleagues were also infected and some had recovered. Most common advice coming from them was to stay indoors, cut off from office, Netflix and chill.

I decided to take a 3 days break from office – had not taken one in a very long time and my mind was begging for mercy. I started reading a book, also something I had not done in a long time. Coincidentally, the book was also about a person getting lost in the melee of corporate world and how he ignores the bare essentials in life and where he ends up. While this was a known phenomenon, the timing and state in which I read it actually struck some chords in me. I decided not succumb to the tides – all along I had tried to go with the flow, doing things what others wanted of me, keeping my feelings suppressed, trying to oblige everyone in an attempt to be good to everyone… and I realized I had lost my true self in the process. I had kind of become a puppet dancing to the tunes of the hands that controlled it by the strings.

I started to do some thought download and went on to write about my life. I poured all my thoughts and emotions – which were all pent up for an exceedingly long time. I reflected on where I went wrong and where I let people take advantage of me. Once completed, it was a huge relief. It felt like I had taken a massive load off my head, put it in a locker and stored it away for eternity.

I then started attending office online. Meanwhile I lost a close friend in office. It was scary to think that 3 weeks ago I had spent time with him in the office canteen sharing a bhel puri and discussing on how he would spend time when he goes to meet his family after one year. Once he reached his family he had caught Covid and succumbed after a week’s struggle.

Suddenly all the struggles we go through life, things we do in anticipation of rewards, things we do to satisfy our egos, expectations, desires and the unfulfilled state of it… everything that we have been giving so much importance to, felt so trivial and meaningless. It took an invisible virus to bring this change of perception that we are so vulnerable and should actually be grateful for what we have got in life. Instead we spend so much time pondering on those few things that we have not got and that actually takes the center-stage of mind. We conveniently forget the goodness we have experienced throughout our journey. The same gets replicated in office. The same gets replicated in relationships.

Locked in the tiny 10x12 room, I got relieved – physically, not much was needed. But mentally, to a great extent. It is 2 weeks since I felt the first symptoms and I have already started going on my morning jogs.